Oblivious

 AUTHORS NOTE:

        Written in 2019. I had been going through a tough time after splitting from a friend who was actually not a friend. I didn't realize it for a long time and I was hurt deeply when I found out what was really happening. I know that I am better off now. I wrote this in a strongly focused mood so it is not in traditional poem format and I can't bear to change it. 

Oblivious

In the beginning, it was the best. We were creative and hopeful. We would talk about our hopes and dreams. The ways that we would trust each other and promise to never lose it. Lightness and fun would fill my heart, making me never want to lose it. We would criticize who we wanted to be, by criticizing others. We would poke and stab at the actions we didn’t like. No one should do this or that, in the public’s eyes. Somethings we knew we would avoid. In the beginning, it was light and fluffy and harmless. There was no pain, pressure, or sadness. In the next, it was harder to be around each other. Our different views on the world conflicted our attachment. Every argument would leave me with a panging feeling. I didn't understand what it was. The thought crossed my mind that it was my gut telling me that something was off. I wouldn’t believe it. It reminded me of suffocation. The moment when your lungs are begging for air. Our other friends never affected me, but you were bothered. I would hide my true feelings just to support yours. My face would flush when you’d try your hardest to prove me wrong on the smallest argument. Pushing the heated feeling I resented back to the surface. I would remember everything we’ve been through; you would forget and I would forgive. I shoved the thought of uncertain care out of my mind. You would tell me that you loved and cared for me, but you never showed it. I would give it my all just to get a single ‘Thank you' back. Nothing extraordinary in return. I stopped trusting myself and my emotions.  I couldn’t comprehend it at the time, but I felt a hole. In the next, there was hurt. Fighting through a screen because you changed. You were on my side, then you weren’t. Stabbing needles through my arm. Pressuring me every way I turned, until I was trapped in a box of insecurity. You tried to fix me when I didn't need fixing. I started fighting back and It made you fight harder. The heated feeling rises over and over.  In the end, It was a flood. You found someone new. Someone who was better than me, in your eyes. The one thing you were begging for throughout our friendship and l wasn't. The things we thought were wrong, you took them up as normal. The pain in me was like knives and whips constantly cutting me every time I looked around. Things that we promised together were swept away. Strings connecting our bond begin to snap until there is only one. I grasp at the way things once were, trying to stay connected. My wounds bleed heavily until I couldn’t take it anymore. The dam begins to crumble, and the string begins to fray. I should have seen it before. You wanted to be close again but never tried. No effort was used. I took a break, and the dam broke, flooding the river and making it unbalanced. You want attention, you get attention. I want authenticity, I realize the truth. I wished the string to hold. I was the only one that wanted the string to hold. I realized that the only reason was that I was now alone. All of the moments we had, all of the times that we thought we were made for each other, led me to be alone. My head clears. I take away the knives and whips because I had put them there. I stopped the pain. The string frayed. It broke. I fall. The river. I drown. The old me dies as the new steps in. I'm ready but you're oblivious to the concaved dam that held our pasts. In the end, It all falls apart and then, together.