The Hardest is Alone

 AUTHORS NOTES:

        written in 2021. I wrote this at a time when I found myself without any friends because I was friends with flakes. They didn't stick around so it really hit me that I hated being alone.



The hardest feeling for me is to feel alone

But why is that the hardest feeling when I had experienced it for so long?

I should be used to the feeling and have mastered it,

But instead i feel the opposite, 

It is harder than ever each time.


It's not like I am without people who love me.

I have my family and my dogs who I adore

But my friend group is lacking in that area.

Which that area should not be hurting the most in the way of being alone.


Since I found my personal freedom and now know my boundaries,

My friend group has its own bipolar disorder.

Sometimes on its highs, i have a bunch of great friends around me,

Then on its lows, my friends become slim to none. 

It's almost blinding at times how fast it happens or is happening.


I start questioning the results.

If they are because of me, who I am, what i do,

Like I can't seem to tell if I am doing something wrong or not.

Or if it is all in my head 

Or if it is them who have the issues that interfere with our relationship.

Most of the time, it feels like my fault. 

Even when it isn’t


I start to think about if overthinking these unanswered questions,

Is because of what I went through before becoming more myself than ever,

That i need therapy to work out these unsorted feelings,

Or if it has changed me too fast to where i’m not thinking like my age,

Or if it has made me blind.

To only see the bad and not the good

To protect myself from hurting.

But i end up hurting myself


The burning sensation when I feel 

Betrayed

Unwanted

Not liked

Alone

Excluded

Tricked

Makes me feel more alone than ever

And as much as i tell myself

Its not true

Your making it up

They probably have a good explanation

They needed someone else

They’re just busy

They just forgot

Your overthinking

Your being clingy

Its normal.

I still feel like a turtle going back into my shell 

The unstoppable burning sensation of losing a friend 

Being alone forever

Floods through my veins.


I believe this affects me more than before

Because at first i was used to being alone

Then i got a taste of what a good friendship could be like

And i never wanted to go back

That's what makes it so hard to be alone again


I'm not in the mindset of ending my life 

Or hurting anyone

Or giving up

I have so many people who love and care about me 

I can’t leave them 

 i would ever feel like i could

Or let myself fail from what greatness i can achieve

But the feeling of not having friends outside of family

Still Hurts


I understand that friends come and go through our life

But i never thought it would be so suddenly

I believed that it would happen slowly

They would start to get more distant everyday or week or month.

Then we would always be distant friends

But instead it happens in the blink of an eye.

Is it just me?

Or am i choosing the wrong people to give 

My heart

My time

My love

My energy

My kindness

To?


How do you ever know?


Poems, Short Stories

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